Ungli Uthao

Some of us folks aren’t quite able to fly back for the day to exercise franchise. So we spend it watching the news where we see the special care with which polling officers in mumbai apply indelible ink to middle finger and even more special care with which some voters display the mark of their having performed patriotic duty.

 

Shahrukh Khan: Vote in Aadaab mode

Ranbir Kapoor: See, hiding behind the facial fuzz would work if I didn't also have to comb hair forward to hide the aloepaecia. Oh - and don't miss how the color of my shirt matches my face.

Sonam Kapoor: Look at the ring. I also went to the astrologer.

Manyata Dutt: Constipated?

and my all time favourites…

Kiron & Anupam Kher: We are so old we don't have to be politically correct

Bachchans: The Family Finger

Gulaal

Super awesome. I want the DVD release now.

Sanity

“These people … They’re sworn to destroy us. Forget peace for now. We have to show them we’re strong.
We have laws, we represent civilization. Some people say we can’t afford to be civilized. I’ve always resisted such people.  But I don’t know who these maniacs are or where they come from…  …Every civilization finds it necessary to negotiate compromises with its own values. I have made a decision.” – Golda Meir before ordering assassinations as retribution for Black September as quoted in Munich.

 ’All this blood comes back to us.’  – Robert. A member of the assassination squad.

Munich was definitely the movie to watch at the end of a day where I heard conspiracy theories without being able to respond. – ‘The govt is not telling us but the death toll from the attacks is over a 1000. CST was the site of the worst carnage. Public bol rahi hai ki wahan pe cheh sau se zyaada log mare hain. ‘ 

The evidence to support this claim… the shooting happened on platform 11 – 14 just before the departure time of 3 major outstation trains.  Whoever heard of CST being less than crowded at 8:30 on a weekday night… The police never releases 100% of the death toll…. only ever state 50% of it.

Solutions suggested included bombing pakistan and targeted assassinations. And admiration for the rally (I heard more anger and intolerance on the soundbytes… but that is another thing entirely)

Sigh. What a world we live in.

Lights!…Camera!…Action!

The recent set of ‘good’ movies (I cried through every one of them) led to standing in front of the cinema posters at the PVR longing for something that would give the lachrymals a bit of rest.

Priyanka Chopra stared back from two of them.

Noooooo…

Varanam Aayiram.  A quick phone check reveals  ‘it is sensitive movie – first half is good – and it is vAAranam Aayiram’.

Oh. And Noooooooooo.

And then there was dark poster in corner. Death Race. No clue what it is about but poster has grim looking muscle boy, cars, guns and bimbo type babe.

YES!

Opening sequence. Words flash across screen. ‘2012: America. The Economy is shattered and with record unemployment, levels of crime have risen. All prisons are now run by private companies for profit. And screen explodes with two tank like cars racing, ears pierced by the whine of engines. Man in a mask is behind the wheel and the bimbette is next to him saying ‘the napalms not coming on’. And the man says ‘drop the tombstone on my mark’. Voila – a one steel slab that is the back of the car is dropped and hits the other driver. He falls back, but comes after him soon enough with all guns blazing. Steel slab gone, the petrol tank is now exposed. The babe bails (flies up into the air in a parachute in a spectacular shot), car bursts into flames as it heads over the finish line.

Cut to scene where our hero (Jason Statham) has just lost his job. He escapes the riot that breaks out with $400 of severance pay in cash and makes his way home to loving wife who keeps his tattoed bod out of trouble and their new baby. He leaves off being mushy with her to check on the baby and comes back to find her killed and gets brained himself.

Wakes up in prison where the warden (Joan Allen) makes him an offer he can’t refuse. He wears Frankenstein’s mask and does one death race. If he makes it alive off the track, he walks free. Else his baby (who survived) gets to see the worst of the foster care system. Our man of course has to enter race now.

Race is in three parts. Fri / Sat and Sun – apparently  the new replacement to football for amreeka.

Day 1, he realises his wife’s murderer is in prison and loses race.

Day 2 He sets out to kill said murderer. Ms. Allen in the meanwhile has decided to add surprise element and brings out a supertanker that kills all but two of the racers in any of the following ways – drilled, smashed or chopped. Our man and Tyrese make it to the finish line.

Day 3 sees our hero Jason (great shot at this point of his tattoed bod doing pull ups in cell) and Tyrese Gibson race each other. Surprise element is they do a deal and stage an escape since they know the warden isn’t gonna keep her word on letting the winner out.

End of movie cut to shot of jason (still looking delicious) holding baby while tyrese fixes car and complains about being forced onto the straight and narrow. Jason’s navigator (Natalie Martinez) walks in to join them in what will now presumably be a blissful life.

Final Verdict. No plot, no characterisation. Nothing to detract from the pulpiness. Full Joy if in mindless mode!

Rock On!

The Question: Can Farhan Akhtar sing?

The Answer: With that oozing attitude voice, who cares?!

Rock On!

While baby Akhtar is getting the full thumbs up, i’m trying to grow fresh ones so that daddy akhtar can be given a sufficient number of thumbs down for Socha Hai and the Peele Snakes numbers. Stick to writing romantic balads sirji… rock is not your scene.

KUselan

I was once trapped on a bus going to Trichy (OK. Thirucharapally.) where they played a ‘Best of Senthil-Goundamani Comedy’ video tape at full volume through most of the journey. I didn’t find a single joke funny and about 20 minutes into the ’slips and falls on banana’ and ‘caught while looking at neighbour’s wife’ routines I had a headache so bad I would not have found anything funny even if the quality of humour had improved. When we finally got off the bus I was light headed with relief (and possibly the headache).

The only good part… I think Appa and I count that as a bonding experience – a common hatred of M/S S and G developed on that never-ending busride.

That should have warned me. But I booked tickets to watch ‘Kuselan’.

The premise of the script is pretty decent. Honest small town barber is struggling to make ends meet. The bane of his life is his former protege who has opened up a rival salon across the street where he is clearly making more money (even if it is done dishonestly). The boons of his life are his beautiful wife and their 3 understanding children. He is friends with ‘Vijay Kumar’ who has become a ’sooperstarr’ but the man is far away and life is happy. His main worry is how to get a new chair for his business. Things change when the sooperstarr does hit town for a movie shoot and most of the village that formerly scorned the poor barber is dying to do him favours because they have heard that he was ‘friends’ with the sooperstarr. Our barber meanwhile, is hesitant. It has been many moons after all and the Z category security cover of sooperstarr makes it difficult for him to get through. As the tenure of the shooting nears its end, he has still not succeeded in getting things ‘done’ with the superstar (i.e. get photos with friends/ family, get him to sign call sheet for movie, get him to be chief guest at school function etc.) and the villagers (including his own family) begin to doubt his word. In the denouement (done of course through tear-jerker speech delivered in front of school and village) the sooperstarr speaks of his dear friend Balu (the barber) who gave him his start in the movies and how he cannot find him. In the end they are re-united and all is well.

If they had stuck to just this story line, with a little less hamming and Z-Category Security nonsense and a leeetle more characterisation, this would have been brilliant. Instead you get Vadivel doing the usual brand of staring at the boobies comedy, Nayantara doing item numbers,dolphins and blue skies and unnecessary animation sequences, the Sooperstarr delivering sermons instead of punch dialogues, mad crowds waiting worshipfully for a wave from the sooperstarr for large parts of movie and a soundtrack that makes you wish you were deaf.

(Wiki tells me this is remake of Mallu movie and that this is now going to be remade in Kannada and Hindi. And the Hindi version has Shah Rukh Khan. And Deepika Padukone doing item number. Oh Help!)

The Verdict Is…

… watch it. I am not sure either of the lead actors (Imran Khan and Genelia) can act but in this movie they didn’t need to. They needed to look beautifully young (which they do). The script is good. The adults in the movie (Naseeruddin Shah, Ratna Pathak, Paresh Rawal et. al.) do all the acting that is needed. The music is very hummable. All in all hit.

Oh. And I confess. I am in lau with the Imran’s eyebrows. Over those puppy dog eyes. Whichever parlor he goes to… super job!

Nowhere Via Darjeeling

This movie begins well enough. Its the last day of Sharma’s (Kay Kay Menon) and Rimli’s (Sonali Kulkarni)honeymoon. They have a loud argument with their cab driver who is driving rashly and then head up to pack, have one last cup of tea and leave. While Rimli is in the bath, the phone apparently rings and then Sharma disappears. By evening, the police is called in. Enter Robin (Ravin elsewhere in India… but this bengland movie) played by Vinay Pathak. He makes Rimli recount her experiences and asks the oiliest questions in the oiliest voice – Love or Arranged Marriage, Any boyfriends / girlfriends, any jhagda. Rimli tells him of a man (Parvin Dabas) whom she thinks has been following her. Her husband was inclined to dismiss her reports as hallucinations. The driver with whom the fight occurred is brought in, cuffed on the ear a couple of times and sent off for ‘questioning’. Rimli, standing by while all this happens, thinks she sees the silhouette of her husband walking away, but they have no luck.

At this point, you realise the narrative so far is actually story being told later by Robin (Vinay Pathak) at a party in Calcutta. He claims that this is an unsolved case. From here on in, the movie goes completely downhill. It turns into each of the (increasingly drunken) characters making up their version of events and taking potshots at each other. Its supposed to be deep stuff – the sensational journalist thinks Rimli planned the kidnapping with with her (reluctant to do the deed) ex-boyfriend (Parvin Dabas). His wife (housewife material) thinks its the other way round, a pregnant Rimli had no option but to marry Kaykay but now that she is, she wants to be ABN (Adarsh Bharatiya Nari) while the boyfriend wants to do the deed so they can have a life together. The much divorced, drunkard TV actress only takes potshots. The fledgeling film maker thinks, its Sharma who wanted Rimli killed and he hired Parvin Dabas to do the honors. Each version takes about 15 mins to get through and by the time you get to the point where the policeman is doing a second version, you realise the movie might well get over.

As a last minute prize, the screenplay offers the late arrivals to the part, a Sangita and her fiance who turn out to be Sonali Kulkarni and Parvin Dabas. At this point, Robin (who is the only person who has actually seen all parties concerned) has left the party. He however, has forgotten his cell phone and goes back to get it. Sangita (the Sonali Kulkarni) heads down the corridor to get the door and just as she is turning the doorknob, the screen goes black. And the credits roll. To tune of Bengali rock.

Did PVR have a power cut at the crucial moment or did these chaps ACTUALLY make that ending? Either way, give it a miss, unless you are a huge Kay Kay / Pathak fan (which one is permitted to be even after this movie since they have delivered the goods) or you want cheap, obvious psychology and arty-fartiness.

Sarkar Raj

Abishek Bachchan didn’t look as fat as I expected. Movie is HORRIBLE. Give it a miss. Won’t waste any more time composing invective.

Nonstop Action

Indiana Jones – Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a full paisa vasool movie.  Its hard not to be impressed when the credits roll… Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Harisson Ford, Kate Blancett and the chappie from Transformers (Okay. Everyone else noticed the cars. I noticed the boy. My inner sixteen year old liked him). The opening sequence is like a mini-movie – it has very little to do with what comes later, but neatly slots some of the characters. Harisson Ford is the unflappable Indy, Kate Blanchett is the evil KGB agent and Ray Winstone (as Mac) is the betrayer. After surviving a nuclear explosion inside a refrigerator, our hero is asked to go on ‘indefinite leave of absence’ because the FBI suspects him of being a commie. (The film is set in the ’70’s). Just as he is packing up a young punk (This is Shia LeBoeuf… complete with motorcycle and switchblade) turns up with a letter from a former friend, a story about a crystal skull, finding El Dorado and how his kidnapped mother and the former friend need to be rescued.

The KGB agents are still on his trail – following Indy better strategy than digging up treasure maps and trying to decipher them. At this point the movie flags…  There is a leetle too much dialogue while Indy figures out the letter. They go to Peru, see a nun or two, find the crystal skull that drives people mad and then KGB catches up with them. This is where the fun really begins… breathless chases through the Amazon forest, guns, swordfights on moving jeeps, swinging from vine to vine like tarzan, fights in the middle of swarming hordes of man-eating giant red ants, driving off cliff into a tree, going over three waterfalls, getting chased by tribals and then ending up at el-dorado which really turns out to be a spaceship. That bit is predictable. And the aliens look like ET, except less friendly. But at that point who wanted originality .

After the movie ended I sat through the final credits to make sure the stunt men and doubles were suitably acknowledged. They were. But the soundtrack (which sucked) was in the credits too.